The Lucas Menace

How can you not love that face? Easy....

A long time ago in a theatre far, far away (just across town, actually) I stood in the ticket line for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Hey, who knew?

Space... 1999: This was the opening day of the long anticipated Star Wars prequel, and the lineups were insanely long. The queue ran out the doors of the theatre and wound through a cordoned waiting area that snaked across the parking lot! Good thing it didn't rain. I was out there for quite some time, an hour... two hours.... three... I have no recollection. It's best that I don't remember the particulars.

While I felt the visuals were stunning, I left the movie with mixed feelings. There were interesting elements to the story. There were weird and confusing facets, too. And there were downright awful bits that still make me cringe when I re-watch the film (very rarely, I should add). 

Liam Neeson's character Qui-Gon was a neat, if brief, addition to the world of Star Wars. Ewan McGregor was a great choice as young man Obi Wan. Anakin - the kid - was mostly dull and perhaps slightly annoying sometimes. Natalie Portman was a pretty face dressed like a clown, delivering terrible dialogue. Well, the dialogue only got worse as the film series continued, so comparatively, it wasn't too bad. Darth Maul was a cool villain.... all creepy make-up, agile acrobatics, and double-ended light-saber. The droids were there.... R2 was our one familiar "face", twirping and buzzing with glee; 3P0, on the other hand, was a technical work in progress, a prototype that would later become the gleaming priss we already know... barely recognizable but for his butler-ish voice. 

Oh yeah, and then there was Jar Jar, the biggest joke of the whole Star Wars universe. Designed to sell toys and to annoy and/or offend those who won't buy the toys. The awkward Jamaican-accented fish-man appealed to someone out there, but it sure wasn't me. Between his ridiculous manner of speaking and his childish fart jokes, the character was reduced to a crude Saturday morning cartoon. Way to go, George!

We who are brutally critical of the prequels, especially Phantom Menace, blame Star Wars inventor George Lucas. For Phantom Menace, the man in plaid took over directorial duties for the first time since the original '77 film. And he obviously had lost his touch in that department... all three prequels suffered in their presentation. Its follow-up Episode II: Attack of the Clones was a scattered mess, a string of often dizzying CGI action scenes that failed to satisfy. Though Episode III: Revenge of the Sith was a neater package, it would have been tough to screw that one up anyway, since it had only to rely upon the original trilogy for direction. 

Lucas's skills at screenwriting, especially believable dialogue, really hit rock bottom in the prequels - most notably in Episodes II and III. The scenes with young man Anakin and Amidala are either painful or hilarious to watch, depending on your mood at the time. "Anakin, you're breaking my heart". Right. And it only gets better.... er, worse. 

Old George's decision to explain away The Force with science was baffling. Why not leave it as the mystical aura or whatever, no secrets revealed, and leave some mystery and fantasy for us to appreciate? 

And don't get me started about all the political mumbo-jumbo. What on Earth (or Tatooine, for that matter) was Lucas thinking? Imperial blockades, Trade Federation routes, the Senate, blah blah blah.... who, young or old, wants to hear lengthy speeches about all of this junk? That stuff drove the movie (all three prequels, really) to a stand-still every time. Why slog through boring political discussions only to be rewarded with kiddie jokes by Mr. Frog Face? Lucas flip-flopped (mostly flopped) between scenes that were too adult and too childish. 

Though I had issues with The Phantom Menace, I was still swept up in the new wave of Star Wars mania. I picked up the glossy program at the theatre. And I bought the Official Souvenir Magazine off the newstands. And a movie poster, which I've since given away to a young fan. When the movie was first released on home video, I snapped up the limited edition VHS set, which included a behind-the-scenes booklet and small strip of 35mm film, all housed in a handsome storage case. Any takers?

Collectible or not?

And now we have a new Star Wars film on its way, presumably to hit theatres just before Christmas of 2015. This will be the continuation of the original trilogy, picking up thirty years after Return of the Jedi. Director JJ Abrams should be an able helmsman on the film, given his very Star Wars-y presentation of the Star Trek re-boot flicks. Abrams is joined by Empire Strikes Back (the best of the bunch) scripter Lawrence Kasdan on the re-writing of Lucas's outline. Lucas is no longer involved, after having sold off all things Star Wars to Disney. While I'm nervous about Disney holding the reins now, I remain hopeful.

Many of the main actors from the original trilogy will appear in Episode VII. It should be interesting to see how they figure into the new story and just how much screen time they have. All I can say is I feel sorry for the much aged actors who play Chewie and the droids... it's going to be very uncomfortable wrapped in fur and plastic or metal for those roles. Good luck, guys.

And hopefully there won't be any Ewoks this time around. 

Line 'em up....